analinn (analinn) wrote,

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I have kept my calorie intake very low the past three days. I just want to be 89lbs sooo bad! I just need to let some things out, so here it goes... My family is messed up. I am always the one that tries to make everything better and bring peace. I take on way too many responsibilities to keep things flowing. I live with my grandma who has alzheimers because I know if I move out, she will end up in a nursing home. My mother, whom I love, does not have the time or patience. My mother SCREAMED at me over things my sister said to her. I was so wigged out, I took off running--no phone, no jeep, no money, just me running. My chest felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I ran, walked and jogged from 830 till 1130pm. I was tired , thirsty, and really wanting to just take off and start a new life. All I could here was my mothers words the whole time. My childhood was abusive, and I have forgiven, just not forgotten. You notice how she came at me though. I am the "good girl", make her feel guilty and she will give you her all. I am very much the same way at work. I am so "nice". No one sees the real me though. My husband does to some degree. I starve, binge, purge, chew/spit, and burn myself all the time. I am in my 30's and I am still not in control of my own life---THERE I SAID IT! I have kept my age a secret because I didnt want you all to steer clear of me like a plague. I am just like you, I have an eating disorder, and I need support from people who understand. 
Hugs to all. Stay strong


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