Monday

 Sorry it has been awhile... have been busy. My Dr has me on HCG diet. The only drawback is that I have to give myself injections everyday. I am a big wus, so it is taking me a little time to get used to it. Anyway, if you would like to know more about it, let me know and I'll give more details. I have lost 4lbs since Thursday. 
Anyway, I hope you all are doing great. I know I have some messages I need to respond to, and I will asap. Believe me, I am not purposely ignoring you. Iget alot of strength from you guys, and love to hear from you. I hope you all are enjoying the tail end of your summer. Stay Strong Always...
  • Current Music
    Jordin Sparks

FRIDAY FINALLY

 OMG!! How is everyone doing?? It has been so long.  I am finally able to get on LJ. So much has happened with me since my last post. First of all I appreciate all the kind words, and support. So my mother wrote me and my sisters letters. She really layed alot of guilt on me, my counselor read the first page of my letter and told me exactly what she thought. 
My sister told me that my husband made her uncomfortable one night when I was at home asleep! And dealing with my gma's alzheimers is getting harder and harder. 
My counselors last day to see me was today, cuz she quit her job. She told me that she has watched my health deteriorate the past month and that if I dont see her colleague they could call the police to have me put in the hospital. I am not underweight, but the resricting is making me look a little pale and dark circles under my eyes. I dont wear makeup except eyeliner and mascara, so I really dont know how to make me look better. AND my mother in law talked to me today. It was actually a good talk. I thought she hated me, but she doesnt. It was really nice to spend time with her, and just be myself. 
So...about the food...I binged like it was my last day on earth yesterday, but I am back to restricting today. I ave been drinking a green tea latte with nonfat milk(Starbucks) alot this week before work. I only ate a small lunch with my class today, but I am drinking red wine at the moment just to chill from the long week.
With that being said... for my group fitness job, I have ALOT of new choreography to learn!! And this time in order to launch the new release we have to try out in front of the owners and managers of the gym Monday nite at 730, so I am nervous. I will be spending alot of my weekend learning all the moves, so I will be burning alot of calories. I will let you all know if I make it. Wish me luck!! Hugs
  • Current Mood
    drunk drunk

Thursday!!

I have kept my calorie intake very low the past three days. I just want to be 89lbs sooo bad! I just need to let some things out, so here it goes... My family is messed up. I am always the one that tries to make everything better and bring peace. I take on way too many responsibilities to keep things flowing. I live with my grandma who has alzheimers because I know if I move out, she will end up in a nursing home. My mother, whom I love, does not have the time or patience. My mother SCREAMED at me over things my sister said to her. I was so wigged out, I took off running--no phone, no jeep, no money, just me running. My chest felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I ran, walked and jogged from 830 till 1130pm. I was tired , thirsty, and really wanting to just take off and start a new life. All I could here was my mothers words the whole time. My childhood was abusive, and I have forgiven, just not forgotten. You notice how she came at me though. I am the "good girl", make her feel guilty and she will give you her all. I am very much the same way at work. I am so "nice". No one sees the real me though. My husband does to some degree. I starve, binge, purge, chew/spit, and burn myself all the time. I am in my 30's and I am still not in control of my own life---THERE I SAID IT! I have kept my age a secret because I didnt want you all to steer clear of me like a plague. I am just like you, I have an eating disorder, and I need support from people who understand. 
Hugs to all. Stay strong

  • Current Mood
    determined determined

Crazy Monday

It was definately a MONDAY all day. I started off the day doing great. I had 3 bites of an omlette my husband made for me. I threw the rest out to the cats. I did not eat with the kids at school until lunch. I ate less than half a soy burger. I knew I had to teach two exercise classes this evening, so I have to have something, BUT, I went off the deep end!! I had candy before my classes!!! I dont understand why it was so easy to starve before, and now I do great until evening time. I just didnt eat, and that was that. Does anyone have any helpful tips for this unacceptable behavior. Anything that will help that before or even after workout hunger time?!  
Hugs
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated

Chillin Sunday?

 So..the holiday weekend is coming to an end, finally! Is everyone ok? I did great until yesterday. I ate like crazy!!! Today I am going to restrict. I took my lorazepam, so I plan on watching movies and doing laundry. I am relaxed, so I dont have to worry about bingeing. I usually do that after dealing with family, but they cant do that to me while I have my lorazepam, Thank goodness!!!! I hope you all have a peaceful day before starting the work week again. I am here for you if you need anything. I will check back online in a couple of hours. Think srong, and make it happen!! Hugs
  • Current Mood
    content content

Friday

 Happy 4th everyone! Ok, so I have only had 2 dry wheat waffles this morning, and graham crackers around noon. I will not eat anything else the rest of the day. I may have red wine later. I am lucky that I dont have any celebrating that involves food at all! While I was away , I gained weight. I still teach my classes, and just went thru step training. But I was eating normally and gained. My current weight is 120. I know it is disgusting to me!!!!!! My friends say that my muscles are more defined and that i look good. I see my soft belly and fat cheeks, and I get that sick disgusting feeling. I am starting to really restrict and purge again. I was at 126 last week. I am in counseling, so I have to be careful. My husband makes me go, although I cancel appts alot. My counselor is about to move, so I will be off the hook soon. My husband had a heart attack about a month ago, so I try not to rock the boat. You know, choose your battles, dont sweat the small stuff!
It is ironic that the focus is on my eating!! He is very overweight, and still has a blocked artery. He overeats, and gets really upset if I mention what he needs to be doing for his health, he finds it easier to focus on mine. He had two stints placed in his heart and he is only 36. My worry is on him!!! We have our troubles, but I dont want to lose him.
So...I think I have rambled enough. My goal is still to get to 89lbs, and I will not lose focus of that. Everyone have a fun and safe day. Hugs
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

I am Back

 Hi all!! I am back. I I am still struggling with ED. I thought I would delete my journal and work on recovery, or just try...but that did not unfold as planned. You know, it just stays with me--no matter what I try to change! The things I try work for about 2 weeks, and then I am right back to the same square. However, now I have lost friends and family members along the way. They just dont understand and get tired of watching me go thru this. i know i can find support and acceptance from people who are suffering with ed as well. I am here for you, just add me to your friend list..
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed

Saturday

Hey. I have missed you all...I started my new job!! I am still in my boot, but still teaching classes, of course! I love my new job. I am working at a preschool mon- fri, and teaching 2 to 3 classes every evening, and working at the front desk of our fitness center on Saturdays. I want to stay busy to keep me from eating. I am not allowed to have any food or drinks, other than water in my preschool room. That is hard, I drink at least 5 diet RC's a day!!! I know that is bad, I am addicted to them. I do eat a small lunch with the little ones because we have to sit down and eat with them. I dont want to set a bad example for them. I am still trying to reach my 90 lb goal by May 1st. I did binge last night, and I feel horrible about it today. 
I hope everyone is ok, and enjoying the weekend. Stay Strong everyone. I will post again tomorrow. Hugs

  • Current Mood
    busy busy

Friday

 So....today I taught 2 cycle classes, one at 6am, and another at 130. I ate 2 dry waffles and drank coffee b4 the first class. I ate a South Beach Diet pizza at 1130. I have had 2 graham cracker squares. I burned 987 calories, I didnt ride hard the second time around!! I am having alot of joint pain in my right ankle and knees. I tend to get stress injuries, and I get put back in the BOOT!! I hate that boot!!!!! I cant be back in that boot , NOT NOW!!! Oh, and I was told that I look better!!! WTF, I know exactly what that means: I LOOK FAT NOW. The members were asking me how I was losing the weight, they were telling me that I looked great. NOW, I am hearing that "You look better"!!!!!!!Two months ago my doctor was worried about my weight loss, and put me on lexapro. She set me up with a counselor; I went one time and didnt go back. Now I am FAT FAT FAT. I am soooo sorry to go on like this, I just feel so awful. I am about to ice my ankle and put the boot on for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I am not eating a damn thing at all!! I teach pilates in the morning, and then I have to practice choreography all day....THAT will help ALOT. I just hope my ankle adjusts to my plans!! You all have a THIN weekend. Please stay strong and have a good weekend. Hugs
  • Current Mood
    sore sore

Wednesday

What a day!!! What about you? It has been so busy..BUT I did get THE job that I sooo wanted!! I will be working full time and teaching my group fitness classes so that will help me reach my goal!! Yay. I start with orientation next Wednesday...I have eaten horrible today. I still have 100 crunches and 100 oblique crunches before bed. I have to teach a weight class at 6am in the morning, and pilates at 930a. 90 lbs WILL be my weight May 1st!!!! I am such  a loser here lately, I just want to eat!!!! It started with trying to prove I am ok so everyone would get off my ass. They did, and I have no excuse for it now. Anyway, I hope you all have a THIN day Thursday. We will reach our goals together!! Love you all....Stay strong. Hugs

  • Current Music
    Watching criminal minds