I have kept my calorie intake very low the past three days. I just want to be 89lbs sooo bad! I just need to let some things out, so here it goes... My family is messed up. I am always the one that tries to make everything better and bring peace. I take on way too many responsibilities to keep things flowing. I live with my grandma who has alzheimers because I know if I move out, she will end up in a nursing home. My mother, whom I love, does not have the time or patience. My mother SCREAMED at me over things my sister said to her. I was so wigged out, I took off running--no phone, no jeep, no money, just me running. My chest felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I ran, walked and jogged from 830 till 1130pm. I was tired , thirsty, and really wanting to just take off and start a new life. All I could here was my mothers words the whole time. My childhood was abusive, and I have forgiven, just not forgotten. You notice how she came at me though. I am the "good girl", make her feel guilty and she will give you her all. I am very much the same way at work. I am so "nice". No one sees the real me though. My husband does to some degree. I starve, binge, purge, chew/spit, and burn myself all the time. I am in my 30's and I am still not in control of my own life---THERE I SAID IT! I have kept my age a secret because I didnt want you all to steer clear of me like a plague. I am just like you, I have an eating disorder, and I need support from people who understand. 
Hugs to all. Stay strong

Hey. I have missed you all...I started my new job!! I am still in my boot, but still teaching classes, of course! I love my new job. I am working at a preschool mon- fri, and teaching 2 to 3 classes every evening, and working at the front desk of our fitness center on Saturdays. I want to stay busy to keep me from eating. I am not allowed to have any food or drinks, other than water in my preschool room. That is hard, I drink at least 5 diet RC's a day!!! I know that is bad, I am addicted to them. I do eat a small lunch with the little ones because we have to sit down and eat with them. I dont want to set a bad example for them. I am still trying to reach my 90 lb goal by May 1st. I did binge last night, and I feel horrible about it today. 
I hope everyone is ok, and enjoying the weekend. Stay Strong everyone. I will post again tomorrow. Hugs

What a day!!! What about you? It has been so busy..BUT I did get THE job that I sooo wanted!! I will be working full time and teaching my group fitness classes so that will help me reach my goal!! Yay. I start with orientation next Wednesday...I have eaten horrible today. I still have 100 crunches and 100 oblique crunches before bed. I have to teach a weight class at 6am in the morning, and pilates at 930a. 90 lbs WILL be my weight May 1st!!!! I am such  a loser here lately, I just want to eat!!!! It started with trying to prove I am ok so everyone would get off my ass. They did, and I have no excuse for it now. Anyway, I hope you all have a THIN day Thursday. We will reach our goals together!! Love you all....Stay strong. Hugs

So happy Friday to you all. I just wanted to share my day with you..here it goes. First I taught a spin class at 6am, and then I worked the front desk till 830a. I did a little job searching early today, trying to get more hours. But I am having a hard time finding one that wants to work around all my group fitness classes!!! Cuz you know I have my priorities, LOL. I then went to eat lunch with my fitness boss to show that I am doing better....hmm...I know you have all done this right? I really showed her, I ate shrimp quesidillas(I dont know how to spell it). I promised her that I would come to her jam class at 530pm. WELL, You know where I was at 530?? I was locked inside the gate of my storage units,yes, true story! The funny thing is that the unit is behind the gym, but I couldnt get to her class. My code would not work to get me out, and the owner was out of town. I was locked in there for over an hour...the fire dept had to come open the gate. I know this is probably the most retarded story you have heard on here. That is me, always THE one. You have one in every group, well I am that one. My boss laughed her ass off, and even said she would only believe it coming from me! I am safely at home now..whew..what a day!! i will have to get my calories way low again to make up for eating. So anyway, I plan on having a very low calorie Easter. I hope you all have a great weekend, and a Happy Easter. Stay Strong. Hugs

I HAVE MISSED YOU ALL!!! I have been trying to hang in there. I know it has been a while, and I am sorry. I have been sooo depressed... I have stopped talking to everyone!! But then...here lately the people who see me daily have said enough, so I am happy they have left me alone. I am playing the "happy girl" role at work, so I dont lose what is left of my job!! I have gotten to teach more classes though, yay. 
I just want to say, though, I was almost in tears when I read my emails from you guys. THANK YOU SO MUCH to those of you who have shown me so much support. It is amazing the encouragement, friendship, and love that is truly felt from you all. So..I want to give some back by telling you how much I appreciate you all. Please hang in there day to day, and know that there are people that care, people that dont know you but are here to listen. People that do not judge you for who you are and what you do! I will try to keep it together and get post daily. STAY STRONG, HUGS TO YOU ALL

So, it seems that I am stuck at 110 lbs!!! I have been really cutting back the past few days!! I did lose half a lb, I know BIG WHOOP!! I have to teach two high cardio classes tonite, so I will burn 1000 or more calories. The past two days I have cut back tremendously!! I am really struggling with control here. It seems like my mom, husband, and everyone else in my life has a say about what I need to do, BUT ME. I just found out yesterday that my husband seriously messed up my bank account. I didnt even have any control over that. I am just venting here for a bit, I know...sorry. I am just so lost. I had to change my pin #, and hide it from him. It gets hard because he and my mom are two controlling people. I just sit in the backseat, and control what goes in my mouth!!! I just sit back and let them go..Does anyone else feel like this??! Sorry to be a downer today, I hope you are all staying strong. Hugs to all my friends

What's up everybody? I hope you have all had a great weekend. I just got home from teaching a weight lifting class. I can't wait to weigh in the morning to see how I did over the weekend!! I have had a horrible weekend, but I hope to have least lost some weight thru it all!!!! I hope you all start the week with strength. You all hang in there, we are in this together...Hugs

I am sorry I skipped Friday. It was not a good day. Today, though, is a whole new day. I do not have to teach today, so NO FOOD!! That is my plan for today and tomorrow. I will stay below 500 cals Monday. I have to teach spin class. I woke up with bad sinuses today, so my head is hurting. I am about to drink a diet RC and go to sleep for a bit. I hope you all have a great weekend, and stay strong. If you are fasting as well, drop me a line. I would love the support. I am here for you as well, drop me a line if you need my support!! Hugs

Ok, so I have only lost 1lb since Saturday!! But at least is was not a gain, right?? I didnt do so good yesterday. I taught 3 group fitness classes, and then had carbs last night. It was horrifying, but it is over. I got some great thinspo today, and I am back on track. I taught 3 classes today, I burned 1821 calories. My intake was below 400 cals today. My hours are getting cut at work, but I am teaching more classes to make up for it hopefully. That will actually work out to my benefit!!! I love it...
I hope you all are ok today. I would love to hear from you, I feel so alone. My friends and co workers are not as fun to be with these days. My class participants are great, though. So, I guess I am done with my rambling....Please Stay Strong, and Think Thin!! Hugs to all!